I was reading through the UK's Guardian website and saw this question in the "Dear Lucy" advice column.
What is the etiquette for a man when a female friend starts to breast-feed her baby in front of him? Do you look away but continue talking? Do you look her directly in the eyes - and nowhere else? Do you share the moment with her by looking down at her baby whenever she does so? Or should you just make your excuses and leave the room?
I braced myself for Lucy's answer. I thought she used humor nicely to discuss how this is a tricky area in modern life and how of course it's possible for men to talk with a female friend while she nurses, but it may be better to just get it over with and have a look at her boob so everyone can move on. Although she has a messed up way of describing it ("once you see a child chowing down on a purple-veined udder while its mother goes cross-eyed in agony, the spell will be broken and you'll never want to look again"), I think for most of us, once we see a woman breastfeeding for the first time, we realize it's not that big of a deal. Is it gross? No. Do women have udders? Indeed, we do not. If most women go cross-eyed during nursing it is not because they are in agony, but because that oxytocin is a helluva drug! But I think some people really do need to see nursing up close and personal, to really have a look and realize, "Oh, is that all? Move along people, nothing to see here."
So how should you act around a breastfeeding mom? Continue to talk to her the same way you would if she wasn't breastfeeding. Feel free to look at both the mom and the baby. If a breastfeeding mother is comfortable nursing in front of you, respect that she thinks you're enough of a grown up to handle it. If she wants to cover up, that is her choice, but don't ask her to. If she offers to leave the room, please tell her she doesn't have to. If you find that you're so uncomfortable being in the room with a breastfeeding mom, then excuse yourself, but don't expect a new mother to move to another room on your account. If she's visiting you in your home, don't offer her the back bedroom as a place to nurse. I can remember people doing this to me and it made me feel like an outcast. I didn't want to be relegated to a back room, I wanted to stay and enjoy the party! You may think you are being nice by offering a private space, but many moms don't want to be alone for 20-40 minutes nursing a baby when they could be having
some adult conversation with friends. If a new mom has prettied herself up and made it out of the house, let her enjoy the company! Follow her lead and she'll let you know what would make her the most comfortable. After all the indignities that come with having a baby, she probably won't mind if you catch a peek of boob. But for the love of all that is holy, don't look at her stomach.
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Monday, April 27, 2009
How Do I Act Around A Breastfeeding Mom?
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7 comments:
i'm new to your blog, but haven't yet commented. but the last line of this post literally made me laugh out loud. when i'm nursing my 8-month old in public i'm WAY more concerned about people seeing my out of shape and still slightly weird-looking post-partum belly than i am about accidentally showing a little nip!
Great post! I agree.
Except this one time, when I was at a barbecue with my inlaws, I did try to go in a private room to nurse, just to get away from them and my MIL followed me. Ugh!
Sapphire, I can only imagine, but you are lucky that your MIL is supportive.
Candy, post-partum tummy is the worst. If they wanted to end teenage pregnancy they could just put a picture of a woman who's about a week post-partum in the sex ed materials. Talk about scared straight!
Great post Elita. I can't believe that columnist's quote! Ack! Thanks lady, for the continued media portrayal that breastfeeding is painful and ugly - NOT!
I am lucky I have some great male friends who are totally cool around me breastfeeding. My Grandma thinks it's shocking that I even breastfeed in front of my husband or in front of my breastfeeding friends' husbands, but she is rather old school, to say the least. Anyway, I like that you took the slant on bfing in front of men. Good one :)
I was at a mall once breastfeeding my son - he was probably 9mos old at the time and cozy in his Maya wrap as he nursed. A man in jeans, tie dye shirt, long hair, etc. came up to us, with his hand on his young teen son's shoulder. He pointed at us and said, this is how your momma used to hold you when she breast fed you. The boy wasn't embarrassed. He was interested in us and obviously touched by what his dad told him. I swear I could have cried it was so sweet. And also, it was so totally natural, nothing awkward at all. I will never forget it. That's how it should be.
This is great. I've written a bit about etiquette around new babies here: http://www.ohshitimadad.com/2009/07/drakes-decorum-upon-meeting-newborn.html
I will put some thought into breastfeeding decorum as well.
Love the name of your site by the way.
Most of the people do follow these etiquette but stilll there are many that really need to go through your post, I will sure spread the word, thank you for writing this one!
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